Yes…apparently, I’m finding creative ways to insert my name as part of existing words and I’m doing this with complete confidence and pride.
Starting in my 20’s, I’ve labeled myself quite a few words that all fall under the umbrella of anti-socialism. In my teens & early 20’s, I believe I referred to myself as a “loner” or a “hermit.” In my mid 20’s, a co-worker referred to me as “standoffish,” which seemed to caused insecurity, along with anxiety because someone actually made it known that other people got the same vibe. In my 30’s, I remember watching Six Feet Under and my favorite character, Claire, referred to herself as a “recluse,” which became my favorite label. A recluse makes it clear that they choose to be in seclusion, not due to a social phobia, but because they prefer their own company rather than pretending to have a good time around other humans they find empty, uninteresting and/or phony. It is only when I am alone, that I am able to fully tap into my creativity. It’s where I’m allowed to daydream & talk to myself without judgement. I can read this post out loud before publishing it and unabashedly laugh at my own writings or say, “this paragraph sucks.” Thanks to the fictitious character “Claire Fisher,” I am no longer ashamed about my voluntary isolation.
There are very few other humans that I can stand being around for more than an hour at a time without becoming completely bored, annoyed or angered. I absolutely love the beautiful people in my life, who love and accept me for exactly who I am. But, even being around people that I’ve called friends since childhood, drains my energy and if I am made to serve mandatory overtime with them longer than anticipated, I have to psychologically comfort myself by looking forward to being alone again, by picturing myself sitting on my bed, Ancient Aliens on my T.V. muted, and typing on my phone or laptop, as I am doing right at this moment. Even being around someone who knows me completely takes some sort of “masking maintenance” energy of some type. You’re still required to communicate with more than one word responses, facial expressions and body language are being judged, and the skill of retaining all words of the other party’s sentences are at risk, due to racy thoughts of wondering if your old cat accidentally strangled himself in a mini-blind, while you’re trapped at someone’s house, far away, with no transportation.
But, there are many times that I am open to sacrificing my solitude for good company. However, at this moment in my life, I no longer feel compelled to. I don’t feel any guilt when rejecting someone’s offer to “go to the mall.” Not only do I no longer have guilt, I will confidently let them know why. I’ve learned that if you constantly say no or avoid answering the phone when they call, they will try to use it as a “victim weapon” of some sort. However, if you give them a valid reason as to why you do not wish to join them in “drone watching,” (my new saying for “people watching”) they can’t really hold anything against you or make you feel bad.
I, the apple, currently live with my 81 year old mother, the tree, who takes pleasure in sipping her cups of coffee, while playing with her puppy, doing the daily newspaper crossword puzzles and watching the last half of every movie, on every premium channel, every day. I do THIS, (blog & private journal) watch dramatized ghost stories, play with my three, beautiful and sweet black cats and read. We both sit in our rooms with our doors open, meeting up for random food breaks at the kitchen table and cigarettes.
I love this life I’m living. I appreciate every moment of it. It feels good here. Here being; happy, comfortable, actively creative, purposeful and satisfied.
I am a Jipsanthrope and I am amazing.
Time to scoop the litter box.
“I don’t hate people. I just feel better when they aren’t around.” -Charles Bukowski