The Kylo Ren in All of Us

“…we want the effortlessness of choosing the dark side, but yearn for the peace the light side has to offer. We struggle between what is easy and what is right. Like Kylo, we feel we’re being torn apart.”

Jandi's Journal

Well, it’s that time again. Movie Monday. I have to admit, I’ve struggled the past few days trying to figure out what to write on. My mind has been so Marvel focused lately and I didn’t want to write about that for the third post in a row. But after some careful thought and consideration, I decided it’s time we get back to the nerdy basics and take Movie Mondays to a galaxy far, far away.

Yes my young padawans, I’m talking Star Wars.

I could go on for hours talking about Star Wars, just ask any of my friends. But it’s because there’s so much to learn and examine every time you watch it-the symbolism between the dark side and the light, the presence of the Force, the depth in each character, and the political implications behind the rebellions, the fall of the Empire, and the…

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Arts in the Armed Forces


My first signifigant blog post about Adam Driver is going to be about his non-profit organization, that he created with Joanne Tucker called Arts in the Armed Forces (AITAF.)

I am an older Star Wars fan, who actually saw the original trilogy in the theater when I was kid.  So, naturally, when Star Wars The Force Awakens released in December 2015, I went to see it opening weekend.  This is when I discovered Adam Driver.  I am not going to go into too much detail about my “celebrity crush” as I have a Tumblr account for all of that weirdo fanatic expression. 

Since I didn’t know anything about him, I ended up Googling, “actor who plays Kylo Ren.”  There were quite a few interesting results that I found, which caused me to develope a really fun crush.  Not only did I find him attractive, I found out that he is one true, amazing human.  Extremely talented and rediculously genuine, empathetic, kind and grounded.  He’s very inspiring to me and I will expand on that in future posts.

One of the first results from my search was a youtube video about Arts in the Armed Forces.  It blew me away to discover that he was in the Marines and his story is so interesting. 

Since I’ve included many important links about this organization below, I don’t really feel the need to go into great detail about what the organization is about.  Just the VICE News video alone has all of the information that you need and it is really fun to watch.  Here is a quote that best describes the purpose of the organization, from the People Magazine article:

“The Star Wars: The Force Awakens actor was inspired to start the nonprofit program after he felt that there was not enough thought-provoking and impactful entertainment being offered to the military during his time of service.”
Adam Driver:  “We’re hoping to show that language is a powerful tool, that self-expression is a powerful tool,” he says in the documentary. “It’s just as valuable as any rifle you carry or any tool you can put in your pack.”

Personally, this resonates with me because I struggle with mental and emotional disorders that cause me to have trouble expressing my emotions properly, which has caused quite a difficult life for me.  Watching some of these monologues has inspired me to look into finding ways to express myself artistically, in more ways that just writing.  Although writing is a great form of expression, I am now looking into how I can go a step further in more of a performance art direction. 

I have no connection with the Military at all.  But I do connect with a struggle of self expression and human connection and this, to me, is a big deal and gives me some kind of silver lining that I can start healing from emotional damage, along with entertaining people at the same time. 

The following links explain more about this organization from some great sources:

Official Website:

VICE News Article:

VICE News Youtube Video:

AITAF Facebook:

AITAF Twitter:

AITAF Juilliard Article:

TED Talks Article & Video:

Super Bad-Ass Conversation with Adam Driver:

Theater of War Audio Book;  Narrated by Adam Driver:

Theater of War Youtube Trailer:

Where Have I Been?


It’s so damn sad how I have neglected this blog and I want to apologize, but, I have plenty of excuses as to why I haven’t.  It’s okay.

I used to have a laptop but…now I don’t and typing with your thumbs, when your posts are generally lengthy, is painful. 

I just bought a bluetooth keyboard, specifically so I can actively write again.  So, I no longer have an excuse, unless I’m hospitalized, jailed or dead.

Right now, I don’t have anything signifigant to say.  I just wanted to provide an update to…anyone who may still be patiently waiting for that “Greyhound Bus Story Part 2” post, which may or may not happen.

Why is there a VERY high def picture of a dude on this post you ask?  Oh, well, it’s Adam Driver.  You know…the dude who played Kylo Ren in Star Wars The Force Awakens?  Yeah…that’s him.  He’s my new celebrity crush and it isn’t fading anytime soon so, be prepared for random posts about him.  Becausw this crush is a signifigant inspiration to me. As an actor, and as a nice human.

So, I am still alive and that’s all I have for now. 

That’s all for now. 

It’s not your fault, Will

My beautiful friend Tanu did this write up and it is beautiful. My friend wrote this so well, that I feel like I just watched it all over again.

I had to share this. I just had to.


sean & will

As much as I love Matt Damon, I seriously thought this movie was just an Oscar story.

Oscar stories, you know. Judi Dench’s 8 minutes and Anne Hathway’s one song was better than the other nominees’ entire screentime. Gwynth Palthrow and Jennifer Lawrance might have had the screentime of a supporting actor, but they sure were the best leading ladies. These are the Oscar stories. Along these lines is the story of two childhood friends who wrote a movie in the backyard of their shady apartment because they desparately needed work. That very movie goes on to earn 9 Oscar nominations and 2 wins – including one for the boys for writing it. What an amazing front page story!

So yeah, I didn’t have high hopes for it. At best, it would be a good predictible melo dramatic movie, I thought. I am so glad I was wrong. This movie…

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Do you have a ‘Dark Passenger’ and have you embraced it?

Goldie & O Show

‘Dark Passenger’ is about being honest about who you are

You hear us talk about the ‘Dark Passenger’ concept a lot on the Goldie & O Show.  Check out the latest episode. The concept derives from the Showtime series Dexter.  In the context of the show, here is how ‘Dark Passenger’ is defined:

The Dark Passenger” is a concept used within the DEXTER Universe that represented the “demon” inside of all of the Murderers that actively made them do terrible things. While it was actually being built upon as an entity in the novels, it more or less (in the tv series) was the level of “darkness” and instability in each person’s personality that could either control them or be controlled.

I use it in a different context.  I believe we all have a little crazy in us.  Demon is such a harsh word…

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Forever Weird


I am pretty convinced that I will be an obsessive weirdo forever.  I live in my head and I have determined that one of the main reasons that I am still roaming the earth is because I fantasize and obsess about being connected to someone famous that I have never met.

This week, is River Phoenix.  Yes, River Phoenix that passed away on Halloween 19 fucking 93.  I watched some creepy autopsy documentary about him last week and ever since, I have had multiple dreams about knowing him and jamming on guitar with him and have been Googling cute pictures and watching YouTube videos.   I even cleaned my house listening to his entire album of the band he formed called Aleka’s Attic.

I had a crush on this guy back in 1988 and I’m finding it really weird that I’m crushing on yet another dead guy.  I mean, I have plenty of dead rock star crushes, but this one is really freaking me out.

However, ever since I started fantasizing about River, my mood has changed for the better and I feel that I have some sort of spiritual connection.  Not really with him, but with….well, myself…my…other personality or something other worldly.  So I am going to just ride it out.  I like living in my head.  It’s safe and exciting.

This post is ridiculous but I’m going to guess that I am not the only person in the world who relies on fantasy to get them through life.  I have read some seriously deranged fan fiction.

Just wanted to write something bullshitty fun today.  Now, I must tune my guitar so that I can jam with Riv.

Ripped-Off Ticked-Off Pissed-Off


I had a nice visit with my awesome therapist yesterday.  I saw her from 2010 to 2012 and she is the one that taught me how to be mindful.  I didn’t really understand what it meant, until she gave me an example of her own mindfulness practice, which was perfect.

One of the ways she practices being mindful is on her lunch break, she sometimes orders a hot fudge sunday.  She said that she parks in the back of the parking lot, facing trees.  She makes sure that she stares AT the trees & the details of the leaves, instead of just “staring” at the trees, in a blind trance.  She then pays ATTENTION to EVERYTHING she does.  She puts her hand on the plastic top and listens to the clicking sound of removing it.  Then she holds the sunday up under her lips to FEEL the coldness of the ice cream and the SMELL of the fudge.  She takes the spoon from the cellophane and LISTENS to the crinkly sound.  She then WATCHES how the spoon smoothly goes into the ice cream and precisely selects the correct ration of ice cream and fudge.  As she puts the spoon in her mouth, she FEELS the cold of the ice cream in her mouth, while TASTING every ounce of sugar and enjoying every moment it’s in her mouth before swallowing.

Although all of the above sounds sexual now that I’m reading it over, (haha) it is THE BEST example of being mindful that I’ve ever heard and I’ve never forgotten it.  It has stuck with me and I suppose ironically, the fact that I was MINDFUL whilst listening to this story of hers from 3 years ago, it’s embedded in my long term memory forever.  Which is one of the benefits of being mindful of everything you do.

Yesterday, she asked me if I was aware of what being mindful is.  I quickly responded YES, because you told me your McDonald’s sunday story.  Her face lit up like a Times Square billboard and I know that I must have made her day.  She works hard and she really listens and cares about my well being on a human level.  I’m glad that I was able to prove to her yesterday that she is also appreciated and listened to.

I asked her if she can give me more information on practicing more on being mindful and she gave me all of these worksheets.  So, I’m putting off reading my Devil book for now to do some exercises.

More on the Devil book later.

What You Need to Know About Winter Solstice 2014

Winter Solstice 2014!


Winter solstice, falling this year on Sunday, Dec. 21, marks the first day of winter in the Northern Hemisphere. More precisely, winter officially begins at 6:03 p.m. ET — the moment when the Northern Hemisphere is pointed at its furthest distance from the sun. This means winter solstice boasts the longest night and the shortest day, and often colder temperatures, too.

But the good news? If you’re not a fan of winter, from each day on after the solstice, the days will get longer and warmer until the calendar hits summer solstice, June 21, 2015. Summer solstice marks the first day of summer, the longest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere.

READ MORE: 5 Things to Know About the Winter Solstice

Like last year, Google released an animated Google Doodle for this year’s winter solstice. This year’s doodle shows Father Christmas — the British predecessor to Santa —…

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Yes…apparently, I’m finding creative ways to insert my name as part of existing words and I’m doing this with complete confidence and pride.

Starting in my 20’s, I’ve labeled myself quite a few words that all fall under the umbrella of anti-socialism.  In my teens & early 20’s, I believe I referred to myself as a “loner” or a “hermit.”  In my mid 20’s, a co-worker referred to me as “standoffish,” which seemed to caused insecurity, along with anxiety because someone actually made it known that other people got the same vibe.  In my 30’s, I remember watching Six Feet Under and my favorite character, Claire, referred to herself as a “recluse,” which became my favorite label.  A recluse makes it clear that they choose to be in seclusion, not due to a social phobia, but because they prefer their own company rather than pretending to have a good time around other humans they find empty, uninteresting and/or phony.  It is only when I am alone, that I am able to fully tap into my creativity.  It’s where I’m allowed to daydream & talk to myself without judgement.  I can read this post out loud before publishing it and unabashedly laugh at my own writings or say, “this paragraph sucks.”  Thanks to the fictitious character “Claire Fisher,” I am no longer ashamed about my voluntary isolation.

There are very few other humans that I can stand being around for more than an hour at a time without becoming completely bored, annoyed or angered.  I absolutely love the beautiful people in my life, who love and accept me for exactly who I am. But, even being around people that I’ve called friends since childhood, drains my energy and if I am made to serve mandatory overtime with them longer than anticipated, I have to psychologically comfort myself by looking forward to being alone again, by picturing myself sitting on my bed, Ancient Aliens on my T.V. muted, and typing on my phone or laptop, as I am doing right at this moment.  Even being around someone who knows me completely takes some sort of “masking maintenance” energy of some type.  You’re still required to communicate with more than one word responses, facial expressions and body language are being judged, and the skill of retaining all words of the other party’s sentences are at risk, due to racy thoughts of wondering if your old cat accidentally strangled himself in a mini-blind, while you’re trapped at someone’s house, far away, with no transportation.

But, there are many times that I am open to sacrificing my solitude for good company.  However, at this moment in my life, I no longer feel compelled to.  I don’t feel any guilt when rejecting someone’s offer to “go to the mall.”  Not only do I no longer have guilt, I will confidently let them know why.  I’ve learned that if you constantly say no or avoid answering the phone when they call, they will try to use it as a “victim weapon” of some sort.  However, if you give them a valid reason as to why you do not wish to join them in “drone watching,” (my new saying for “people watching”) they can’t really hold anything against you or make you feel bad.

I, the apple, currently live with my 81 year old mother, the tree, who takes pleasure in sipping her cups of coffee, while playing with her puppy, doing the daily newspaper crossword puzzles and watching the last half of every movie, on every premium channel, every day.  I do THIS, (blog & private journal) watch dramatized ghost stories, play with my three, beautiful and sweet black cats and read.  We both sit in our rooms with our doors open, meeting up for random food breaks at the kitchen table and cigarettes.

I love this life I’m living.  I appreciate every moment of it.  It feels good here.  Here being;  happy, comfortable, actively creative, purposeful and satisfied.

I am a Jipsanthrope and I am amazing.

Time to scoop the litter box.

“I don’t hate people. I just feel better when they aren’t around.” -Charles Bukowski

Cocks in the Snow

Just figured I’d write a random update for anyone who may know the Jip or for anyone who likes to read random stranger’s posts about nothing informative.

I’m doing pretty good these days.  My “elderly but Hip” mom and my sweet, affectionate, black kitties are doing pretty good as well.

Yesterday, it finally snowed up here in Elyria, OH and I have to admit that I missed it.  I haven’t seen any snow for two years, since I had moved back to South Florida in 2012.  My goal for the rest of my life is to never go back there.  I feel that it’s equivalent to saying, “My goal is to not get arrested and be forced to serve prison time anymore.”  I left some really good friends and cool people down there but, it was definitely for a good cause.”  I don’t regret the move.

I seem have finally reached a point where I now appreciate where I am.  I am embracing my simple life.  I’ve grown past that paranoid feeling of missing out on something and questioning where I’m supposed to be or trying to guess what “path” I’m supposed to be walking.  I’ve finally realized that there is no predetermined path and that you just keep on truckin’.  I’m the one who chooses if I want to go left, right or straight.  Backwards however, will not work for me.

This is all I got for now.  I don’t have any fancy Satanism stuff to write about, other than the fact that I’ve finally received and read The Satanic Bible and read it in one day.  It wasn’t that hard to read it in one day considering there’s not very many pages.  However, the information and knowledge this book is huge.  I also have The Satanic Rituals to read.  However, for now, I’m going to go outside and take advantage of watching the sun melt the snow.  I have to say that I certainly missed imprinting middle fingers and HUGE COCKS in the fresh snow.